Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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