Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
third nipple confirmed
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
