K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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