All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
