Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
