Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
