ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
