This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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