I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
