Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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