Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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