My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
