turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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