Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
