I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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