sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
