Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
