the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Randomize
