i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
