her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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