Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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