i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
