as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
