She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
