Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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