Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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