My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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