dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
