Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
