mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
