I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
