the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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