Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
