Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
