she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
