apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
