Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
