someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
