I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
