plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
