I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
