ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
