Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
