She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
