so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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