i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
