I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
