Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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