i can't believe i had my finger in that
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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