You made me cry and you don't even care
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
