Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
