They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
