Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
