Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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