I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
