So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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