I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize