my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
