porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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